Dear 2016,
You were my most challenging and rewarding year so far. You were the year I finally sunk my teeth into adulthood; the year I learned to grow up.
We started things off with me in the middle of my first year at university. Buzzing with "what ifs" and in the process of figuring myself out, I can't really complain about our beginning. I was able to meet so many people and form friendships that I can confidently say will last a lifetime. Although, some bonds did have to come to an end early, I'm nonetheless grateful as you taught me that "goodbye" isn't a bad thing; it turned out to be the one thing I needed to hear the most to find my own peace of mind. Around this time you also reminded me of who I actually am. Instead of trying to conform to what others expected me to be, you urged me to unapologetically be myself and embraced me when I came across individuals who made me question myself. You helped me take away all the doubts I had within me and urged me to keep moving forward with my head held up high, even when I felt like turning around and running back to my comfort zone.
As we progressed together through the months, we found ourselves in spring. This is when I came across a hurdle, one that brought heartache and tears. I won't give this hurdle the satisfaction of saying that it was my breaking point, however it came very close to being it. Whatever I had built of myself came crashing down and I was back to ground zero, completely shattered and drowning in self-doubt. At this point in time I felt stuck, as if I closed so many doors in my life that there weren't any open doors left to welcome me with open arms. I almost gave up; stuck in this vicious cycle of doubt and feeling as if I didn't have anyone to support me, I almost lost myself and waved my white flag. As much as I wanted to, you didn't let me. Instead, you were patient with me and allowed me have my rough days and brought me the brighter days. You knew exactly who I was, and reminded me everyday that the bad days too will pass. You slowly began to mend my shattered self as you reminded and inspired me to always be the best version of myself. With you, I slowly but surely stood back up and drained out the self-doubt that I was once drowning in.
We grew close after that incident. With my newfound motivation, I felt like I could conquer anything. I began to jump back into my passions and challenged myself to discover new forms and style. You gave me that nudge to not be afraid of changing and sharing my interests with those around me. You advised me that the ones who really mattered will accept me as I am, and those who didn't will always have something negative to say, something that I shouldn't worry about. That piece of advice helped me pinpoint who I should and should not prioritize my time for. Through all this you also taught me to never be ashamed about making an effort. Be it through my photography or schoolwork, I should never feel embarrassed about giving something my all. You told me if someone rolls their eyes or calls me a "try-hard," I should keep doing what I am because I must be doing something right. This will now be one of the few mottos I will live by because it allowed me to further explore my potential and opened an array of opportunities for me.
As spring slowly came to an end, summer made its entrance. We spent this time to relax. Instead of overwhelming myself, I gave myself a well deserved break and refreshed my mind. Together we took a few trips, some that I captured through the lens of my camera and others that I captured through the lens of my mind. You taught me the importance of unplugging and living in the moment during those trips. Summer was probably my favourite season with you; everything was calm and I was able to find balance. I was able to become more in tune with myself and continued to discover myself through different mediums. Summer was like a sweet melody, one that I will always lovingly play within my mind.
As the warm summer breeze started to fade and the trees began to change colours, we suddenly found ourselves in fall. It was time for me to leave my bliss in summer and walk back into the routine of things. Rather than stressing myself out, I took things in slowly and promised myself to put in the effort that will allow me to take a step closer to my goals in life. I can say for the most part I did a good job with keeping that promise, although I did have a few hiccups on the way. When those hiccups came, you were always there cheering me on; reminding me to stay true to myself and never compare my "behind the scenes" with another person's "highlight reel." This reminder ultimately helped me stay on track and not get distracted by what others around me were doing. You also taught me to reach out for the things I wanted in life. No matter what it was, you told me to put in the effort and try to achieve what I want because there's no harm in doing so.
When fall came to end, the cold breeze of winter hit me hard as well as final exams. With my previous promise to put all my effort into succeeding with accomplishing my goals, I felt this cloud of pressure surround me. I stressed myself out to the point where I lost sleep and peace. I can't say that anything miraculous happened during the time of final exams, however you did silently support me through the aggravating time and allowed me to do what I thought was best for me. At the end of it all you assured me that I did my best and earned everything I had worked hard for during the term. It was comforting to know that my hard work paid off; I wouldn't be able to find that comfort without you.
Despite finals being over, I still had my responsibilities. December, our final month together, brought sickness, pain, and new opportunities all at once. This time around I was stronger and tried my best to handle everything. All these new variables sucked my time away and made it difficult for me to see those I cared for. It's crazy though because you showed me that the people I cared for will have different reactions to sudden changes in my life. The first reaction I received was compassion; I cannot put into words how secure I felt with certain people who understood my situation and reminded me that they were there to support me when things went wrong; that if I couldn't make it to places, they wouldn't get upset or show me negativity. This may sound dramatic, however I will never forget the kind words of those who understood me enough to check in on me and forgive me when I apologise for things that happened out of my control. It's people like that who will always have my friendship and trust. The other reaction I received was a lot colder than the first; it was one that still upsets me. To have something wrong happen that's out of my control and have no one understand and in turn get upset with me is one of the most discouraging feelings ever. To have so many things occur at once and hear that whatever effort I've put into something meant nothing and in turn be told that my effort was something to be laughed upon definitely damaged my emotions and changed the way I view the ones who brought that damage. Of course some tell me that I should be understanding of their feelings, but honestly I'm tired; I'm tired of understanding those who don't put in the effort to understand me or my situation. For once, I want to be a little more selfish and take myself out of situations that may continue to hurt me further down the road.
Being able to discover these two reactions with you has taught me a lot about what I deserve. I don't deserve to feel guilty or left out when something out of my control occurs, I don't deserve to be told that my effort means nothing and be made the "bad guy" when things go wrong. Instead I deserve to have a support system who understands me; one that I in turn can understand too. You really taught me who I can count on and who I should let go of; although it's going to be hard letting go of some people, I must thank you for helping me come in terms with myself and my worth. I know that in the long run I won't feel as tired or used as a friend. I may sound "full of myself" to some, but I thank you for telling me that I'm not and that what I'm doing is the better decision because being selfish isn't a bad thing.
Overall, I can say that you've watched me grow and mature throughout the seasons. You've watched me change my mentality and take responsibility for my actions. You've watched me fall apart and pick myself up without the help of someone else. You've watched me lose and find myself. You've watched me improve my judgement of character and form bonds that I know will last a lifetime. You've watched me learn more about myself and pursue my passions. You've watched me grow into an independent individual who is proud of who she is and what she does. You've watched me grow up.
We cried, laughed, loved, and experienced many other emotions together. I am thankful for all the memories and experiences we've had together, without them I wouldn't be who I am at this very moment. You treated me well despite the hardships. It somewhat aches my heart to know that our time together has come to an end, however at the same time I am excited and ready for what 2017 has in store for me. I can only pray 2017 is as kind and patient as you were. Thank you for everything.
With love,
Elvina Prasad
